The Singer Learning Blog

As I sit here on my deck typing, I’m enjoying the view, the space, and trying to remember what it was like before we built it out a few years back, almost doubling its size.  It seems to me now that it used to be soooo small- how did we fit?  Yet at the time, we had come from a city apartment with no outside space- that deck was huge, relatively speaking.  How quickly we forget as we build out, right?

As a 6-year old, my son’s mad and crying about having to pick up his legos after he plays with them.  There are too many of them, how will I ever do it, it’s too hard…

Ridiculous to an 8-year old.

As an 8-year old girl, my daughter throws a fit over the idea of having to put all her things away when she’s done with them every time.  How can I do all of that all the time, it’s too much, it’s not fair…

Annoying to an 11-year old.

As an 11-year old, my other daughter gets overwhelmed by a book report she has to write.  Will it be good enough, can I do it, it’s so big, 2 pages is so long, it’s too hard…

Laughable to a teenager.

As a teenager, I was confronted by all of my homework, being prepared for testing and school, doing (or choosing not do do) all that my parents asked me to do, keeping track of my friends and relationships, meeting obligations to teams and extra-curricular organizations. How can I manage it all, be good at it all, be liked and hold it together, it’s too hard…

Piece of cake to a college student.

As a college student mostly supported by my parents, pulling all-nighters to get projects done, balancing my social life with studying, budgeting to make spending money last a little longer, completely stressed about a big test, paper or project due.  It’s hard, will I be able to pull it all off, this is so huge and all on me…

Enviable to a professional.

As a beginning professional, hitting deadlines, managing someone else’s expectations, taking on my own growth path to advance, having to initiate, find a partner, have a life outside of work, pay my bills, create a voice in the world.  So big, so much to manage, how can I do it all well and with balance…

Easy to a parent.

We can keep going with these ever-expanding layers.  We could just follow the professional layers. Or the personal layers.  Or the relationship layers.  Or the multiple-roles-in-multiple-circles-of-our-lives-layers that build as we progress in life (professional, personal, family, community, world).  The point is that we’re always building ourselves out further.  With each addition, it’s hard for us to remember how big that former version of our lives felt even though we see clearly with hindsight how much simpler it was!  As we break through to each level, we learn through the challenges of it, expand into it and ultimately end up able to handle more, gaining a wider perspective and ready to move on again.

Is this about Comfort Zone before and expanding it  Yes.

Is it about Perturbation, and learning through it?  Yes.

Is it all about perspective?  Always.

You love upsets, don’t you?  Of course you don’t, because you haven’t seen how they can actually lead you to great insight and more success.  While I love to be creative and strategic as a coach/consultant,  a lot of my work with teams is surprisingly in the world of UPSET.  Not me being upset or even others having so much big dramatic upset, but in helping teams and leaders pull understanding, clarity and consistent success forward out oftheir daily upsets.

We all have them, and they fall on a spectrum of upsets from tiny annoyances barely worth mentioning to huge fights or confrontations.  How many have you had in the last week somewhere on that spectrum?  How many were you able to deconstruct, then rebuild for success forward.  Check this out…

Basically, we can break down ANY upset to find an expectation underneath that didn’t get met. In the moment, it doesn’t matterwhy your expectation wasn’t met- just that it wasn’t.  Hence the upset.

So much of my coaching work with leaders and teams comes down to this topic of upsets and expectations.  It almost always presents itself as an complaint (usually an irritation to start), and I first identify it as an upset, then coach to peel the layers of it back to reveal an expectation that was there all the time, and hasn’t been met by someone else.  Often, this is where the real work begins.  The trickiest part is that the most problematic expectations are ones we either assume or don’t even realize we had until they weren’t met by someone else.

This ends up in judgments and decisions about whether a person “has what it takes” for a role/job or not, whether an organization or school is the “right fit” for me or not, whether performance, a service or a establishment is “competent” or “good”, etc.

Here’s the big insight…. I find that most of time, the person walking away, being let go or carrying a judgment about the competency/quality of another is sadly from an upset based on unarticulated expectations. What was expected in the first place for “success” or “good” or “competent” wasn’t ever clearly articulated, so those expectations weren’t ever met.  Granted- maybe they couldn’t have been met anyhow due to capability, skill, etc., but often we never actually know if it was even possible or not without getting those expectations clear, up and out on the table.

Sometimes we’ll be incredibly self-aware in hindsight and get to the following:

“Hmm… why am I so irritated with you?  Maybe because I actually have been expecting X from you all along, and you haven’t been delivering it, so you just continue to irritate [upset] me over and over!”

Rarely is any of this said out loud.  Maybe the voice in our heads if we’re really aware and honest.

Ideally we’d realize all of that and say it out loud, followed by the following:

“Hmm… did you even know that I was holding that expectation?  Now that you do, can you meet it?  Is it realistic, or do we need to talk about it to reset agreed-upon expectations?”  

Usually that last part is what I coach about.

Now let me be clear… sometimes expectations are clear, articulated, and agreed to, but still unmet (that’s a different issue, different blog topic I’ll post next, called accountability).  First things first…

Let’s work on getting expectations clear, up, out and in agreement.  This will be huge.

I guarantee you that if you look around in your immediate professional and personal life right now, you can find an upset somewhere (remember an irritation is a baby upset).  If you start peeling layers off the surface of that upset, underneath you’ll find an expectation you’ve been holding which hasn’t been met.  Let’s start cleaning that up, then we can get to the next part of holding one another accountable.

Here’s what to do:

1. Identify an upset (can range from irritation to confrontation/fight/end of an arrangement). If you can’t find one, contact me, and I’ll coach you to be more honest with yourself and see them all around you.
2. Ask yourself:  What expectation did I have of this person (although it could be with a process, team or organization) which has not been met?
3. Ask yourself:  Was this expectation clearly articulated to the other person involved (they who didn’t deliver)?  Did they actually know and understand the expectations, and confirm that they could/would meet them?
4. If NO…

• Go back to the party in question, articulate your upset and the expectations you’ve been holding all along.  Start over by re-setting expectations clearly and with agreement (as in “yes, I can do that”).  Make sure with the other party that these new expectations are realistic.  If they’re not, adjust them or tap other resources to meet them.
• Hold this party in your mind as able to meet your expectations (see In-10-tion).
• Hold this party accountable in the way you check in and follow up.  They’ll deliver!

4. If YES…

• Go back to the party in question, restate the expectations again, how they specifically weren’t met, and your upset.
• Ask for some ownership on their part in this, acknowlegment of what it cost you, and  an apology.
• Make a request to either understand why the expectations weren’t met.  While this may not cause you to want to re-engage, you’ll at least make your decision forward from an informed place AND you might be surprised.  More than a few times, I’ve learned of some crazy circumstance that prevented delivery, causing me to rethink it all and re-start with this person.
• Either re-start and give them another chance with adjusted expectations and re-commitment…or not.  You may find that it’s too late to re-start, but at least you’ll have been direct, clear and left the other party with a clean understanding of an opportunity they’ll have next time to get it right.

Going forward, start asking yourself “What am I expecting?”  Do this all over the place-   going into meetings, coming out of meetings, spending time with your family, starting a project, agreeing to go out with someone… then get as articulate as you appropriately can about your expectations with those you’re expecting to deliver, and get agreement.  If by “Yes, I’d love to go out with you” you’re really expecting a quiet dinner for two while your date’s planning to bring you out with six of his/her closest friends you’ve never met, you might be setting yourself up for an upset (actually what happened on my first date with my husband, but that’s for another day).

The more flexible your expectations, the more chances for success, but be honest- our expectations are usually more solid and inflexible than we’re willing to admit, let alone articulate.

So, go- expect big things, be clear and articulate about it, get agreement, and get success every time!  If you don’t, I want to hear about it.

Single sculling on a glassy lake- meditative, challenging, peaceful.

I got hooked into it with my dad when I was a teenager, as we spent hours on Atwood Lake learning it, alternating between 2-man sculling together and single sculling on our own.  As I went off to college, he continued to row, solo on the lake every morning the northern Ohio weather would allow.

There’s no better place to contemplate choice, impact and the ripple effect than in the middle of a glassy lake.  When single sculling, your orientation is to where you’ve been and how you got there, rather than where you’re going. You’re on a sliding seat with two long oars fit into outriggers, the bow of the boat pointing through the water while you power it with long, full-body, full-blade strokes of the oars feathered into and over the water in perfect synchronicity. At least that’s the goal.  Therein lies the challenge.  To get both oars perfectly balanced, dipped into and pulled through the water at exactly the same depth, force and speed takes focus and control with constant motion.  To get each stroke evenly powered first by legs, then torso, then arms, then feathering the oars perfectly out of the water and skimmed back over it without nicking the surface takes a different kind of focus and coordination.  Like sailing (my other favorite), you can both lose yourself in it and spend your life hooked by the challenge of the nuance in it.  A thinking person’s sport, to be sure.

One of the coolest parts of sculling is that you see feedback and progress with every stroke.  Because you’re facing to the aft of the boat, your focus is on where you’ve been, watching the wake your boat is leaving behind, the pools of ripple left by each oar.  If your timing was off by half a second between oars, you see it in the ripples.  If you had a perfect stroke, you see it in perfect round pools on either side of your straight wake.  As you gain distance, the trail of pools down the lake chart your progress and path- straight, zig-zagging or meandering.  Each circle of ripples expands instantly, first in distinct circles of light and shadow, multiplying instantly and quickly, ultimately overlapping into the very texture of the lake.

Most people have a default time orientation- past, present or future.  I’m definitely a future-oriented person, sometimes challenged to stay in the moment, as I’m always thinking 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years ahead of where I am now.  This makes me a good coach and consultant, as I’m great at quickly surveying past patterns (but restless in dwelling there too long), zooming in on the impact they’re having now, and then strategizing both the right path forward and endless possible scenarios forward with insight.  I love to reflect, yet sometimes need to remind myself to do so, often feeling afterward like it was an indulgence. I am big on feedback and learning, so I’ve learned how to strategically and quickly reflect enough to gather feedback when necessary- but always to learn forward.  I am continually striving to (and coaching others to) be more fully present in each moment.  The more I can master this, the more impact and fulfillment I make/get out of every moment.  Meditation is the extreme version of this. I’m intrigued by it, have gotten tremendous value out of the dabbling I’ve done in it,  and have a perpetual goal of making it a habit.  Sculling forces me to keep my focus backward, forcing reflection and in the present, adjusting each stroke and coordinated movement based on what I just did.  Focusing forward or to the future isn’t even possible without physically turning around.  Opposite of life for me- always focused forward, having to consciously stop and intentionally turn around to reflect backward.

One of my favorite parts of sculling is just coasting… After a few long, powerful strokes the boat glides smoothly and silently through the water.  I hold my oars up to rest as I glide, and watch the water drip from them into the water moving past.  The drops make tiny circles, which grow instantly to ripples, which multiply faster than I can track smoothly, beautifully and overlapping into the ripples of the drop before it. Every move we make, every conversation we have, every decision in life we conquer- intentionally or not makes these ripples, which expand into the texture of our lives.  How much are we tracking them, studying them, choosing our next moves based on them?

I’ve recently been bringing more rigor and intentionality to my language- specifically what it is that I’m SUGGESTING in my tonality, metaphor and emotional energy, aside from the words that I’m speaking.  Not surprisingly, the results are powerful.

As I focused on lightness, flexibility, ease and flow- even while presenting a paradigm-altering idea to a client the other day, they were surprisingly agreeable and open to it.  This was especially compelling since I had presented the exact same idea to the same client a few weeks before from a different orientation, and they not only hated it, but were resistant, upset and unhappy with me about it.

As I focused on calm, nurturing, loving connection, even while hurrying my kids through our bedtime ritual the other night (because the events of the day were getting them to bed an hour late- not because I WANTed to hurry it), they were surprisingly okay with it, happy, cooperative and calm.  This was especially fascinating compared to another night prior, when I rushed them through the same process from a place of frustration, urgency and task which resulted in three stressed, unsettled, upset kids.

The learning for me?  Validation of what research explains and our own experience resonates- communication is so much more than the content of our words.  The common formula out there to break down what people trust and believe out of our communication containing both the content of our words and the nonverbal messages we send (tonality, facial expression, body language) is that when in doubt, they trust the latter.  If I’m saying one thing, but messaging another in my tone, body language and facial expression, you’ll go with the nonverbals.*

I teach this all the time- especially to teachers.  There’s often a huge disconnect between the messages coming from our words and from our delivery (ie: teachers asking students to engage when they themselves are not excited about the content they’re delivering).

Here’s the challenge- there’s a key piece missing in this formula!  What’s missing is what comes before the words, tone and facial expression- where AM I mentally, emotionally and physically at the time?  What State am I in?  Who am I BEing?  What’s my intention?  If I’m focusing on lightness, flexibility, ease and flow that’s a very different orientation than if I’m coming from a place of being right (while their way is wrong), the changer, and pushing an idea.  I can actually deliver the same message from either place (hence the client example) and get completely different responses.

The true power of connecting with others in communication of any kind (leading, teaching, influencing…) comes down to this form of being Intentionally Present.

Many of you have heard me speak about the power of In-10-tion before- the human practice of placing metaphorical numbers over people’s heads, and its power to make or break their success.  You may have heard me speak about Being Present- the act of being completely in the moment 100% mentally, emotionally and physically rather than drifting mentally or emotionally somewhere else.  This is hugely challenging, as evidenced by a new study that in normal life, “…people’s minds wandered at least 30% of the time, and as much as 65% of the time.”

Being Intentionally Present brings these two practices together, to consciously choose my orientation to someone/thing rather than just react to them.  This is challenging, unnatural and counterintuitive.  It’s also extremely powerful.

Between the first and second client meeting mentioned above, I reflected on their response and feedback- they thought I was insensitive to the work they had done thus far (I wasn’t), I possibly hadn’t even read/understood what they had created (I had), and I hadn’t listened to them or their needs (I thought I did), and that my idea wasn’t what they wanted (maybe).   I know, beyond my ego, that the meaning of my communication is the response I get.  Clearly, I hadn’t communicated effectively with so many mismatches.  I focused on what they were asking for: to be understood, acknowledged and supported, set up to look good.  I had to own my approach (being right vs. being their partner), and change it.  The result?  Before the second meeting, I focused on making things easy for them, what it would take for them to feel 100% supported.  Partnering, flexibility, ease and flow.   I became focused on being Present and immersed in those Intentions before I walked into the meeting, and breathed into it.  I delivered the same idea from that new place.  They loved it the idea, felt like I “really got it” compared to the first meeting, and wanted to go for it right away.  No magic- just Intentional Presence.

The lesson for me?  Confirmation that who I’m BEing will always speak louder than anything coming out of my mouth.  Before I respond or communicate I must first get clear on what Intention I want someone to feel in my communication, and focus on it.  Get myself Present- IN it.  Then go!

So now, I’ll clear my head, focus on my kids and how much I love them, get completely Intentionally Present to that, and go connect with them to have some true time with them before I tuck them in tonight.

It’s all about getting perspective.

This is most obvious to me in looking at the world through airplane windows for many continuous minutes on end, like the one in this picture, somewhere above the clouds between Ohio and California.

Sometimes the rhythm of a day or week or couple of months feels labored, like a sprint within a marathon… and at the same time fleeting- like “where did that month go?”  It’s a strange sensation in time, and unsettling.

I’ve found myself more and more saying things like, “How did it get to be July- wasn’t it just fall?” or (to one of my three quickly growing kids) “How did you get to be so big all of the sudden?”  These are the kinds of statements I used to hear grown-ups say as a kid, and thought to myself that they were so old and out of touch with reality.

I don’t think I’m that old or out of touch with reality- even proud that I’m not, yet…

Yet, one of the challenges for me is the balance of being completely present in the moment- with my work, my family or in those rare moments by myself- and keeping perspective on where it all fits (strategically or organically) in time and space and reality, then negotiating those tensions.

The #1 reason I’ve had for a long time for not doing most of the things I know I should in my life (from working out consistently to putting laundry away to creating baby photo albums for my now 5 & 7 year olds!) and in my business (from getting an assistant to handling expense reports to training someone to teach my programs) has been that “I don’t have time.”

From clients, friends and family, I hear this reason of not enough time for not doing things, taking action or just taking a breath from people all the time, and I get it.  I do.  Yet I’ve recently had an personal epiphany on this topic…

I’m realizing that it’s less about making time for things, and more about creating AIRWAYS.

I was in a coaching conversation recently with someone who was going that direction… “I don’t have time to…”  The description was one I understood well- feeling like it’s getting harder and harder to breathe because there’s no space in this current self-created reality to even do that- and I found myself coaching, “…exactly why you need to do it anyway- youneed to create an airway!”  It was one of those coaching moments I was proud of, because it connected… it was true for this person, and is true for me a lot of the time, too.  It opened up some possibility all the way around, and I’ve been fleshing it out ever since.

In that sprint-within-the-marathon cadence of my life sometimes, the only way to get more air into my lungs is to go find it. Like someone crashing on an ER cart who can’t ask for the air because they can’t get enough of it to speak the words, I too often go into autopilot of shallow breathing stress without reaching out for an airway, and these are the very days and weeks I find myself missing in my perspective of time- hence, “How did it get to be July?”

So I’ve been on a personal campaign of finding my airways and using them consciously.  It’s interesting to note, that the more I seek them out and choose them, the more I use them unconsciously, too.

Some of my current airways:

Singing, belly-laughing, listening to a great song, losing myself in a good show, singing in the band I don’t have time to be in, calling and talking to a loved long-distance friend for even five minutes, working out (and getting to the point in a workout when my brain shifts from physical work to release), writing like this, looking up at the sky or trees, holding hands with my son, reading books with my girls, saying the words, “energy, easy,” making my husband or one of my kids laugh really hard, looking out an airplane window down at the Earth, getting regular coaching myself, accupuncture, going on real dates with my husband, watching a talk on TED.com, doing or creating or learning something new.

I now understand that these things are not just bonus “nice-to-have-if-I-have-time-after-what-I really-need-to-get-done”, which is how I’ve always looked at them.  They’re actually essential for me to be complete, vital and the person I want to be. If I don’t have a good dose of them mixed into my daily life, everything else I do gets compromised- including my work, my impact, my patience, my ability to be present, my relationships and absolutely my perspective on it all.

And breathe….

I actually love to weed.  Right after a big rain.  Even for five minutes, like I just did outside my office door.

The satisfaction that comes with pulling a giant weed out and getting the whole taproot at once is amazing.  It’s right up there with cracking open a crab’s leg and pulling all of the meat out in one piece, or tossing a grape into the air and actually catching it square in your mouth.

While I’m a person committed to challenge, big hairy projects to solve and change, intense feedback and keeping myself on a continuous learning curve, I also get that it has to be balanced by things in my life that are simple, visceral, concrete straightforward wins.  I’ve been known to disappear from a big intense question or a house full of unfinished projects for an hour outside of pulling weeds.  In that one hour, I can get so much that would take many hours in my office to accomplish…

Every square foot of earth I cover looks different than when I started- immediate feedback of concrete impact.

I soak up the saturated colors, smells and sounds of nature vs. the comparatively pale world inside- altered perspective on things.

I get completely out of my head full of thoughts and into my senses- smelling the dirt, feeling the resistance of the roots against my pull, watching the micro-world of the scurrying bugs among the plants- truly quieting the chatter in my head.

Quick wins, concrete impact, altered perspective, clearing one’s head.  The ultimate in State Change.

Where are your opportunities like these- 5 minute windows to step outside our normal path which can alter our reality, change our state enough to send us back into the game different, able to see new hues, catch new insights, tap different energy to make the difference?  Find them, seize them, use them as your fuel.

Today was a great learning day because I got to be both a student and the product of a great teacher.

Those of you who know me won’t think that’s anything out of the ordinary, since I’m one who constantly looks for the learning in most every situation, believes that things happen and people are placed for a reason, and defines the value of a day by what was learned.  The tag line on my cards and pens is “learn something” because it’s my refrain for most situations.  Today was different, though, because it wasn’t about me just looking for the learnings within the normal experiences of life- I actually signed up and paid for it.

In the gift of a single day off in Hawaii before teaching a workshop tomorrow, I signed up for a surfing lesson.  Just the idea of signing up and stepping out of my Comfort Zone was exciting to me- yet the experience itself was even better.  In the 90 minutes of my lesson I not only learned to surf, but got to experience and validate what happens when learning is set up to succeed by great teaching.

I arrived to my instructor Richard eager and ready to learn, although a bit nervous.  While I didn’t choose it at the time, this is the ideal combination state for a learner to be in (to a great teacher).   Richard expertly read my state and quickly assessed my prior experiences to see what he had to work with, then immediately began to set me up for success.

After some on-shore coaching, we paddled out, and it wasn’t long before I got up and rode a wave on my first try!  As Richard cheered me on I proclaimed, “that was so much easier than I thought it would be!”  His response, “That’s because you have a great teacher, the right board and a perfect day.”  From beach to final wave, that precious 90 minutes seemed to both fly yet be vivid as slow motion. I had great success because it was the perfect formula for easy learning, and Richard was right. . .

While I was hooked from the beginning yet distracted by the little voice in my head doubting my ability and ultimate surfer potential, Richard casually but precisely directed, modeled, set me up on each wave and celebrated every right move I made.  For each wave I rode, he high-fived me and told me how great I was while correcting me simultaneously.  When I fell, I saw the slight disappointment on his face quickly countered with zeroing in on the right coaching to keep me relaxed and improving right away.  I felt his commitment to my success, I wanted to make him proud, and easily listened to him instead of my doubting little voice.  I paid close attention, followed instructions and mirrored him as best I could while he found my waves, pushed me  off into them, and I surfed!  With every wave, he steadily decreased how much assistance he gave me until the big moment when he said “I’m going to catch this one too, and ride it with you.”  That was the ultimate moment of proving myself to my teacher and myself-  I surfed on my own next to him, and we celebrated!

I got to have a great, fun, easy experience because Richard deftly modeled great teaching as he…

• entered my world
• earned the right
• tapped my WIIFM
• had a 10 over my head no matter what
• celebrated every success
• checked in with me early and often
• read and managed my state
• taught me visually, auditorally and kinesthetically
• pushed me out of my comfort zone
• set me up for success!

In my work I’m always in the teaching/coaching position. This I love, do passionately and get a tremendous amount of learning from itself every time.  It’s rare that I get to overtly be on the receiving end of a great teacher, so today was a gift.  I’m now reminded of how much more I need to seek out deliberately being the student.

And now I’m hooked on surfing.  Thank you, Richard!

I actually closed my eyes for a few seconds during my run this morning.  Not do be a daredevil, but actually to become more present and really absorb the sounds and environment around me fully, with big deep breaths.

My family has a cottage on a lake near my hometown where we spent the summers sailing, waterskiing, hiking in the woods and creating lifetime memories with our siblings, cousins and extended family.  It’s a little cottage built for a family of 4 or 5, which we usually pack with way too many people and lots of activity.  Over the years I’ve grown, gone far, far away, had my own adventures, grown up, made my own family, and created a whole life of my own. As everything around me has changed over time and I’ve evolved,  the cottage and the lake remain the same.  It’s where I got my first poison ivy, had my first kiss, learned to master water skiing, sailing and rowing, got in my biggest family fights, had my first high school party, bonded with my dad over boat rigging, bonded with my mom over peach canning, once saw 18 shooting stars on my 18th birthday with my best friends, experimented with my first home improvements (the bathroom paint and wallpaper still crooked to show for it) introduced my own kids to nature and true imaginative play, and through it all, found my center.

The crunch of the gravel under my feet on the driveway never changes, nor does the quality of the air, the majesty of the trees, the buzz of the distant boats or the color of the leaves and flowers that seem to grow only here.  For more than all of my life, these things are constant, unlike most things.  When I’m far away, I imagine this place to find calm.  When I’m here, I soak it up and store it for later.

I think we all need a place like the lake and the cottage either in reality or in our imagination.  A place to get centered, find our peace, and count on to remain steadfast.    There’s something about looking at the same tree I’ve looked at since I could open my eyes, and know that no matter where I am, or what I’m doing in the world it’s still here, growing, getting stronger, roots reaching deeper through it all.   As I ran the path just now on which my dad first coached me on how to run years ago, I closed my eyes to let myself go, record the sounds, capture the taste of the air, and fill up.

I’ll keep creating change and working to open possibility in the world every day.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep tapping back to my roots and this place for strength, inspiration and perspective.  The strength of the lake and awe of the trees make me stronger.

Big deep breaths- I’m off to make it a great day with my family, and create more memories to build on.

My mom’s rear-view mirror always had etched onto it:

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

So it turns out that the etching is similar to a general truth about personal growth.

When we get to the part of my training when I ask people to identify a spot in their lives where they need to step up or out or through something, many people find something BIG.  It’s often having to do with a person they need to confront or a thing they’ve needed to do for a long time, which they’ve been allowing to suck their energy and hold them back in their productivity or happiness for weeks, months or years.  Most people have a few of these things rattling around, sort of like extra weights they’ve been carrying around with them.

So, I help them to stand up to the BIG thing, and commit to busting through it, which often comes down to a conversation they need to have with someONE or a new behavior that they need to just DO or try.  I coach around it, sometimes even set up full plans of attack for getting their State just right, and all the support they need to hold that State, follow through and not bail at the last second.

In my interviews with hundreds of people who have gone through this very process, I’ve found something in common which takes me back to the rear-view mirror…

Leading up to the actual breakthrough (which is often just a moment), people will actually spend hours of time thinking about it, obsessing about it, rehearsing it or just worrying about it before they actually do it.  The good news is that this is replacing the countless hours of stress, upset, distraction and worry that they had been spending regularly on it before they chose to break through it.

So finally, they get to the moment of truth.

They get into State (or not, which makes it more painful), they DO the big thing, and they’re through to the other side.  The act or conversation took minutes.  It’s over.  The energy suck that had been draining their will and focus is cut off, and there’s a proud mix of adrenaline and relief afterward.  Then the realization…

Obstacles are smaller than they appear.

It wasn’t that big of a deal in hindsight.  All of that worrying and prep, and they broke through it in moments.  To me as a coach, the most important thing is the equation that comes in the debrief:

number of hours of worry/upset stress/energy suckVS. moments of just getting through it?

That’s simple.

Easy?  Not really, which is where Comfort Zone and coaching like mine come in, but simple, ABSOLUTELY.

Maybe we should change what’s etched in our rear-view mirrors as a constant reminder, so we can save all that time and energy, and just step up and out in the first place.

My office is attached to my home, which is good and bad.  The very thing that makes it really great and really hard is that the distance between work and the rest of my life (family, home, etc) is only about 3 inches- the thickness of the door to my office.  

In the world we work in every day, we have a certain amount of momentum, speed and influence.  

Relatively speaking, people listen to us, respond to us quickly (again- all relative), and look to us when we enter a conversation or setting for direction and lead.  All of that gives us a sense of, well… POWER.   The more effective we are in our work, the more we get it.  The more we get it, the more it feeds us, gives us energy and motivation, which conditions us to keep going. . . 

This is an important thing to acknowledge, because it feeds us more than we know all day, every day in that world.  While we have pressure and responsibility, it’s tempered by that rush we get from that feeling of power and the intensity, pace, and immediate feedback (numbers, anyone?).  

In many ways, as we go along in this work-world, it’s as if we’re going 75 mph on the freeway, with momentum.  Our peers are going at that same pace with similar direction, acceleration and power, and it’s all flowing consistently. 

Then, at the end of the day or the week, we enter into a different world- NOT work.  

Relative to that world of work, this is like driving on sidestreets, with many others who are on different paths, going different ways, at different speeds. In my case, when I’m not on the road, my transition from one world to another is only 3 inches long, from one side of the door to the other.  What would happen if the offramp from the freeway was only 3 inches long?  Ridiculous, yes? 

While you may not office from home like me, have you used your entire commute home on business calls?  Have you stayed parked in the garage still talking, working?  Have you walked into your house (even past a family member) still on a call?  

There’s a REASON for offramps.  

Many of us come off of our workday or flow into the world of our families, etc. without creating or using or acknowledging an offramp.  It’s as if we get off the highway without using the offramp, still going 75 mph, and irritated with everyone else because they’re not with us!

That power that exists for us in the world of work doesn’t exist (or not in the same way) in the rest of our lives.   

In fact, many of us have experienced people in our personal lives reacting much the same way any innocent drivers on a side street, going along at 35mph would react to someone plowing through at 75mph- “knock it off!”  

We’ve all had someone in our personal lives remind us that we’re not their manager or supervisor, yes?  

We’ve gotten more impatient with our loved ones or kids when they don’t listen to us, yes?

We’ve all gotten irritated and impatient at someone’s response time outside of work, yes? 

Many people I coach tell of their personal relationships suffering at the cost of this.  They were still going at 75mph and missed the things happening at 35mph (like people in their lives finding their own paths, disconnecting, etc.).  Spouses, family, friends. . .

I’m finding that the more I pay attention to my transitions on and off that freeway of my workworld, the more present I’m able to be in ALL the moments-  with my family, with my clients and work , and in the precious moments of just being by myself.  

At the end of the day, this means turning the computer off and leaving it off.  Leaving my phone in the car instead of having it attached to me all the time. Getting outside with my kids or playing what they’re playing.  Being goofy with my husband as a complete state-change. 

So, where’s your offramp?  

Do you have one?  Do you use it?  

Does it cause you to slow down, enter into a different speed and traffic pattern as those around you and pay attention?

What happens when you don’t?